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"An Excerpt from "Midlife Dating Manual for Women"

"An Excerpt from "Midlife Dating Manual for Women"

MUSTARD, MAYO, CUT THE PICKLES Trust radius, an EQpetency, suggests trusting someone until you have been proven wrong, but you don_t want to damage yourself in the process. Midlife dating has its perils, and if you_ve been out of the dating world for some time, you_ll need a refresher course. First of all, you have to know what you want, because, like the wall of pantyhose or cheeses you stare at in the supermarket, there are now 500 choices, where there used to be three. Okay, two if you were Catholic. But today you can _have it your way, _ and you can_t imagine what this means to some men! So when you get to the drive-in window, know what you want.panionship withoutmitment? Is that with or without sex? Do you want long-term and sex? Is that with or withoutmitment? Friend with benefits? Benefits without friendship? Marriage? Is that marriage with or without fidelity? (What do you mean _Am I kidding?_) Nearly two thirds of the 27, 000, 000 singles over the age of 50 in the US say they don_t date because they prefer being single, and 9% say they would not date ever, under any circumstances, so you can_t assume anything. You need to know your own expectations and goals, to find out those of the man you_re dating, and then get some definitions of the terms. This is why youmunicate, and don_t be shy! The heart you save could be your own. Most men will say what they want without beating around the bush. But they don_t volunteer it (why use words until you have to?), you must ask. Martha asked Rob about marriage after they_d been dating a while, and he replied, _Oh, one woman would never be enough for me._ Martha was then sure she was the woman who would be. She wasn_t listening. Whenever he told her he_d never met anyone like her, her wishful thinking interpreted that to mean __and so I_ll be one he_ll be faithful to._ Guess what? She was wrong. Barring the incorrigible sociopath, men don_t lie, women just ignore what they hear because they don_t want to hear it. Martha ended up hurt, but you can_t say Rob lied or had bad intentions. He put it right out there. She just refused to believe it. One reason we do this is because men are big fabricators, especially when they_re courting. When they_re trying to get you into bed, you_ll get a steady stream of head-spinning affirmations, which should be taken with a grain of salt. HOWEVER, even during this fragile period, when asked a direct question, i.e., _Do you want amitted long-term relationship?_ they will answer truthfully. It_s part of the peculiar and contradictory Male Honor Code. THE MALE HONOR CODE PART II Another part of the Male Honor Code is _what_s good for the gander is not good for the goose._ He honestly believes, and may honestly expect you to _understand, _ that it_s not cheating if he sleeps with another woman, but that it is cheating if you sleep with another man. Don_t be fooled that because he demands fidelity from you it means he requires it of himself. He_ll likely deny there_s any connection. _That_s different, _ he will say, with a perfectly straight face, just as if he were making sense. They do not seem to outgrow this with age. They do not necessarily become moreprehensible! _I LOVE YOU_ OUT OF CONTEXT Because men are not as adept with words and nuances, when he says something like _I love you, _ watch to see if be behaves that way; if he acts that way. He may not actually know what the word _love_ means. (Perhaps your first husband did not!) Unless they bottom out, men get better at courting with age, and it_s one of life_s greatest thrills. Enjoy it. Just stick around to see what lies on the other side of it. _I love you_ may mean _I want your body_ to him, while to you it may mean _I am ready to make amitment, to be kind and faithful to you, to respect you and care about you __ Be wary of the phrase _I love you_ if you haven_t dated in a while. Men of the Silent Generation (born before 1944) generally uttered those three words only at the end of a long and serious courtship. It was tantamount to a marriage proposal, and was likely to be said only once, unless one of you happened to be on a deathbed or something. _Why do I have to say it? I married you didn_t I?_ was the response. You see what _I love you_ meant back then?? As sacred as Yahweh, it was not to uttered. Not so these days! Both men and women these days are more emotionally expressive, and use the phrase much more lightly than you may be accustomed to. When your guy says it, it can mean: _I have no idea, but I know women want to hear it. _I_m feeling great and into myself. _I love myself. _Will you marry me? _That_s not what I said. I was clearing my throat. _A lifetimemitment. _That was great sex. _Let_s have great sex. _We_re having great sex. _I don_t know, but when the guy in the movie said it, he got laid. _I LOVE YOU_ IN CONTEXT It matters what precedes and follows the phrase, and how long the time-gap was. If the word _but_ is anywhere around it, there will be tears. When followed several weeks later by _I care about you very much, _ _I love you_ meant _I was hot for you but this has gotten too heavy and now I_m outa here._ When preceded immediately by _I have to tell you something. I_m married but I love you, _ it means _I_m hot for you, this will never get heavy, but I hope you won_t kick me outa here._ You see howplicated it gets! There_s no general meaning or even non-meaning for the term with men. Man are from their OWN planet. It isn_t even as easy as to say they_re all from the same OTHER planet. THE MALE HONOR CODE PART III It does remain true that if you don_t want the answer, don_t ask the question. This takes us back to the Male Honor Code. Remember that direct questions get direct, rational answers; that is, untempered by sensitivity. Being generally lower in empathy, if you ask your man, _Does this make my butt look fat?_ (which you wouldn_t ask if you didn_t think it did), and he answers, _Yes. Very, _ don_t say I didn_t warn you. A last part of the Male Honor Code is about _don_t kiss and tell._ Thises up in intimate conversations. You are discussing a relationship or sexual issue, and sharing a past experience in order to increase understanding, to improve things, to make a point, and because you value your relationship to him the most. Then it_s his turn to share, and here_s what you get: _I don_t kiss and tell._ I don_t think it has to do with empathy. It_s more like if there_s one thing that_s gotten through to them, it would be that to talk about sex with another woman would get them castrated. It could also be that while you were talking about making out on a beach with a pina colada in your hand, he was flashing on something about a Mile High Club, himself, 3 stewardesses, a seeing-eye dog, Murat the Turk, some duct tape, and a hookah. WHEN WORDS ARE LACKING While men will talk about their former spouses, the ones who had divorce filed on them usually claim to have no clue as to why. It always just happened out of the blue. _I walked in one day and she_d taken all her things. I had no idea she was unhappy. If your guy is doing this, understand that his interpersonal relationship skills aren_t the highest (again, no reason per se to disqualify him) and that you_re going to have to deal with problems very directly. I can_t imagine a woman divorcing a man who hadn_t spent sometimes years belaboring the same points, which, because he doesn_t know why he was _left, _ means he never heard them, which is why she left. Words had more or less become meaningless. Perhaps you, with more age, wisdom and experience, can have better luck! I don_t speak or understand _Martian_ any better than you do; I_ve just learned alternate means ofmunication over the years which work better. How about you? Communicating with a man in a daily relationship has been likened to training a dog. Reasoning doesn_t work. Explaining doesn_t work. Begging doesn_t work. Clearmands and quick, consistent consequences do. And, as with your dog, you must figure out how to get his attention first. It may mean removing the remote control, or even swatting a rolled newspaper on the coffee table. Do what you have to do! After all, the way they learned not to _kiss and tell_ was because they did once!
_Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, Susan is an Emotional Intelligence coach who works with women in midlife, and is the author of _Midlife Dating Manual for Women, _ available on her website. sdunn for FREE ezine.

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